We Are More Than Our Stories.
Our stories do shape us. We are how we are due to our past, how we were raised, what we experienced, the culture we live in, what our ancestors experienced, and the lessons we’ve learned on the way. That’s what I notice and what psychology tells us (there is much more than that, but I will write about this some other day).
You might have difficulties in trusting people if you were often disappointed and screwed over.
You might have abandonment anxiety or commitment issues, because your dad left you.
Your intimate relationships aren’t working out with ease because you were abused.
Lots of causes and effects.
We can either know the story behind why we have the above mentioned or other behaviors, fears, patterns, or we don’t. We can either believe that’s just how we are, or we believe that there is a reason behind. We can either think we will keep feeling or (re)acting as we do today, or we can believe we can change it.
Anyhow, if we know our vulnerabilities, our wounds and what they cause in us, we often reduce ourselves to these stories. We use them to justify our life situation and our behavior. Which is ok I guess if we do it objectively to understand them. But we can also justify them and stay the victim, which means we give the power about our life to our past, to people that hurt us, influenced us, or whatever.
Because if we accept or understand that we actually have the power about our life, it would mean we are responsible for how we are doing in life. We could set ourselves in the driver’s seat, grab life by its balls and step boldly into something new. But it requires courage, a lot of love, work, and what definitely helps is a great support system – friends, family, partners and yes, it’s easier with privilege. And sometimes staying the victim is just the easier way out. And sometimes it’s just too intense, or too exhausting and overwhelming to deal with it and even get out of the victim mode.
If it is meant to be, I think we can change just about anything, but we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. And it always requires healing in some way. Part of this journey I think is figuring out what is truly part of us and what is baggage clouding our true self. When do we act and when do we react? Are we moving with love or with fear? Are we in resistance or open and honest?
For me healing always requires love, especially the one from me for me. Taking care of myself, not punishing myself, being nice to myself if I screwed up, not being too hard. Sometimes this is easy, sometimes extremely difficult. We can not rewrite our past but I think we write our present and our future pretty much ourselves.
We are not the commitment issue, we are not the abused women or men, we are not the ones that always get left alone or whatever. First, we are so much more than that, second we limit our lives by believing our experiences shape our lives without us being in charge, third it’s us that choose to stay with our past, or heal it.
It can be fucking terrifying to have a look at those dark, numbed out spots. Yet I believe it is worth it. My life has changed drastically, by shedding some light on those areas, bring them to the surface, to let them go. I used to think I will never be able to live a happy, fulfilled life, due to some things in the past. But I realized it was my choice. And anytime I notice pain, disappointment – or any feeling I don’t want to keep in my life for too long or too much (we are human, those feelings belong to us, but if they limit our lives, we can change something), I can embrace them, try to understand them, and then transform them (or some other sort of more complex version, which I will write about later). Or just be mindful with them, and not blame others for creating them in ourselves. Not always an easy one, be gentle with yourself, is what I am telling myself.
With every fiber of my being, I urged for lightness and ease, for less struggle, less pain. And it is possible. We have to choose it, and allow ourselves to live a life we love.